My youngest has wild, looser curls that have already passed her shoulders. Her hair will pass as ethnically ambiguous allowing her to pass as Indian, Latino, Middle Eastern or even Mediterranean.
My middle daughter has amazingly thick, short curly auburn hair. Her curls are tight and when it grows, it grows up and out. And although hers is unique because it is light in colour, her 4-year-old self is already becoming aware that somehow her curls are ‘different’.
I was always aware of the straight hair girl envy but within the confines of the curly hair spectrum I thought it was all the same.
I was wrong. Each morning now my middle daughter insists that I brush her hair straight and braid it, so it touches her shoulders, like DD1 (darling daughter 1). When I oblige, she is frustrated at the outcome which is still afro-like- pulling at her hair in all directions, unable to articulate her feelings of frustration.
Biracial Curly Hair is different…
It’s only recently that she’s become more ‘aware’ of her biracial curly hair, comparing frantically with her sister to have the same hair dos and frustrated that hers don’t turn out the same.
I have to admit, the ‘politics’ that has engulfed my home over hair has surprised me. Perhaps I was naive, raising three girls, looks are bound to be important. But it’s taken hold of my 6-year-old and now 4-year-old with a vengeance.
I’m done emphasising how beautiful my DD1’s biracial curly hair is. She understands it now as it’s constantly reiterated by her cousins, her aunties and even women in the street who stop and comment on how beautiful her hair is. She’s grown to love her curls- perhaps because her biracial curly hair is longer, perhaps because of all the outside admiration or maybe just because she’s grown up.
But my middle daughter sees and hears all the comments intended for DD1 with long, loose curls. Just the other day, I met two mums in the playground whom I knew from school. All of my daughters had their hair out that day and both ladies commented. “Oh I never knew DD2’s hair was so … different. Hers is definitely more Afro-like.” That, in itself is not bad but always, I feel these comments are loaded with meaning.
What can you do?
My struggle has been to acknowledge that her hair is thicker, it is more Afro-like and, it’s beautiful. Each day, when we have battles over her biracial curly hair as she pulls at it and screams in despair, I try to surprise my little one with new hairstyles, showing her the uniqueness and variety her 4a curls can offer. Puffballs, braids, cornrows are among some of these and helpfully, she’s usually happy with the outcome.
My partner and I both agree that straightening their hair is always on the table. So if they ask, we say they can- but why? And because it’s never a ‘no’, the realisation that actually, they could have straight hair anytime, is liberating.
Representation Matters… Seeing Reflections of themselves can be Magical
Just the other day, I was amazed after showing my girls a Youtube video of a natural curly hair vlogger sharing some hair tips. I could see the positive impact it had in showing my girls that their hair is beautiful.
It dawned on me the potential impact seeing women and girls like them can have in reinforcing a positive healthy self image. I don’t look like my daughters in many ways. I’ve got straight hair and light olive skin tone. So I realise it can seem empty when someone who has the very hair they’re tempted by is saying they should love their curly biracial hair.
Truthfully, though what has had the most impact is a book called, Penny and the Magic Puffballs by Alonda Williams whose experience wearing her hair up in puffballs gave her magical powers. For DD2, because her sisters can’t wear their hair up in these puffballs, it offers her something unique and special that’s just hers— putting a positive spin on the fact that her biracial curly hair is different.
Books can be magical in so many ways but particularly in reflecting the image or experience of a child when it comes to hair or appearance. The list below is not exhaustive but it’s a start to getting your biracial curly kids on the right track to embracing their curls. From children who just plain don’t want biracial curly hair to others who are embarrassed to leave it natural and still others who wondered why it was so… different.
I now go out of my way to point out women and girls in the street who may be sporting curls like theirs. London is a great city to find such diversity. They look, take it in and can see that those women are comfortable in the skin they’re in.
These books have been liberating for my biracial curly hair girls. I would encourage you to grab yourself a few to have handy when your kids need reassurance that different is good.